Istanbul

I hate it. It's hard to come to hate something, but I do. Yes, I hate you now.

I could feel sorry for you when you were first raped. I was trying to understand the pain you were in, but as your pain grew, you became more irritable. You are either in a kind of drunkenness of revenge or in the last gasp of your struggle to exist. But, now you are causing harm. And without any mercy. You have become an executioner with no mercy left.

There was a time when I thought I couldn't live without you. You made me experience love and hate at the same time. I experienced the evenings of the famous neighborhoods with their run-down but peaceful mansions that I walked on the streets of, enjoying the warm yellow roasted chickpeas and boza wrapped in paper bags on snowy winter nights.

I have tasted their bagels with crispy sesame seeds for years. Then, I watched the seagulls emerging from the misty darkness of the Bosphorus with their thin, piercing cries. I walked around Beyoğlu with the chestnuts I could never get enough of, warming my hands in my pockets.

In the spring, during ferry rides, I watched the Judas trees on the ridges of the Bosphorus. I hummed the songs and poems written for you to enjoy my life experience with you. I sometimes enjoyed the colorful summer days in the cool waters of the Bosphorus. The summers that made me shiver at night were a different pleasure.

You seem to be taking revenge. You are upset and can no longer be enjoyable. I understand your problem but am I to blame? You became more unpleasant as you grew up but the interesting thing is that you continued to grow as you became more unpleasant. You became unrecognizable. I cannot say that you are wrong. You could not get rid of the effects of your first rape, you could not recover again. Maybe you thought, once or many times. What difference does it make. Because you were helpless, weak, fragile. You faded. There is no trace of your former glory left. The world used to admire you. You destroyed and bored your lovers with the passion of not being able to have you for centuries. Fights broke out and wars were fought for you.

You are now unlovable, ugly and dirty. Your morals have also deteriorated. I can neither recognize nor understand you anymore. Your love has turned into my hatred. I want to throw you out of my life but at the same time I am obliged to you.

You are like an old lover who left a bitter taste in my heart. If my heart does not love you, it is easier to understand love. There are other places in my heart where I can find sweet peace. You are in such a miserable state that you can only be the new Istanbul of the new Turkey.